Before I can post my present thoughts, I need to give you some of the back story, or nothing I post in the future will make any sense. (It may not anyway. But at least I will have turned on a light.) For future posts, I'll be sure to provide more snapshots of the views along the road where we happen to be at the time. But to begin...
We started down the road to adoption years, even decades ago, as God was working in each of our lives (Steve & I) before we even met. In the last several years we've had repeated conversations about how and when we want to adopt. We are aging parents, after all.
Two years ago I went to an adoption financing seminar to find out what we needed to do to prepare, and then began a budgeting plan that would allow us to be nearly debt-free by spring of 2012 so we would be as financially stable as possible. All of that went south in the winter of 2010, when a bathroom remodeling and mold remediation project got hijacked by some greedy contractors. Long story short, we are not even close to getting out of debt, and in fact, have more now than we did two years ago when beginning my debt-reduction plan.
So, while our desire to adopt remained strong, the practicalities shouted louder: "you're not ready!" And yet, as we're close to aging out of the potential adoptive parent range, can we afford to wait and miss this blessing? What to do?
In the dead of winter this year, a friend who knew we wanted to adopt approached me and asked if we were going ahead, because they were finally going ahead with their adoption plans, too. I said I thought we were done with that idea because of all that had happened financially, but she said not to give up. If God wanted us to adopt, He would make provision.
Only a few days after that, I received in my email inbox a Rainbowkids newsletter. I'd been getting them periodically for more than a year but not paying much attention to them. I decided to read that last one and then unsubscribe from future letters so as to not cause myself any additional pain over the lost dream of adoption. You know what happened, don't you? God spoke to me about continuing the pursuit. Steve & I talked about it together and then with the kids. We were all in agreement and every one of us has the heart for it, so we chose to keep going forward to see what God would do.
By the end of January we were looking at various options, including some waiting children, and discussing the various countries and agency requirements. Boy or girl? Siblings okay? Bulgaria? Hong Kong? US? Colombia? And which agency would be the best one for us?
The first week in February, I began a journal. I'm not good at journaling... can't keep it up with my busy schedule, and when I have free time I'd rather read than write. But, I thought, I may have stuff to journal about as we go down the adoption road.
My first entry, dated Feb 9, reads like this:
Some verses I saw posted on a friend's office wall seem very appropriate today:
Deut. 31:3,6
"The Lord your God himself will cross over ahead of you... Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
and Zeph. 3:17
"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
I am afraid. Afraid to press on and do what I want so much to do. I am afraid God will say no. I am afraid of questions and how our failures may get in the way. I am afraid the process will be too quick and I won't be ready, or too slow and I'll lose heart. I am afraid I can't parent more kids. I'm afraid of how much it may cost physically and emotionally. I'm afraid that God won't provide for us financially and that we will be even more stressed. I am afraid that my family will not support our choice to adopt. And I am afraid of how I will feel if we start and it doesn't work out.
All of my fear could be for nothing. God may just defeat every one of these issues. One by one, as we come upon them, He may show me that there is absolutely NO REASON TO FEAR HIS PLANS. I am in awe of the idea that God would do that. And again, afraid to hope that He would do this for me -- for us.
I want to move from Hope (would he?) to Trust (He will).
I wrote the verses from the end of Romans 8 just below that:
vs. 28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
verses 31-32: "What then shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own son, but gave him up for us all -- how will he not also, along with him, freely give us all things?"
and verse 34: "Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen?"
POW! POW! POW! Shot down, every last one of 'em. My "afraids", I mean.
If God's heart is toward the husbandless and the fatherless, how are we NOT called to do this? How is God NOT on our side in this? How is it that He would NOT provide for the orphan to be set in a family, especially one who loved and followed Him?
With Hope pushing us forward, we Trust that God is going before us, rejoicing over our steps, and taking great delight in us, and freely giving us all things that are needed to accomplish the purpose to which He has called us.
Here's the clincher, written later in the journal:
"It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy." (Romans 9:16)
The apostle Paul would have made an excellent lawyer -- that statement makes a great closing argument in the courtroom of my soul.
